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August 30th, 2010
Beat Whitey Night Gets a Makeover.

Greet Whitey Night
Instead of finding a random white dude and bashing his face into a bloody pulp, why not try a friendly greeting on for size? A simple “hey whitey” will get you a lot farther in life than eye gouging ever will. Once you get the hang of it, expand your repertoire with tailored variations. For example: “Hey whitey, nice Dale Earnhardt t-shirt,” or “Hey whitey, your Bluetooth doesn’t make you look like a derogatory term for female genitals at all.” See, isn’t making friends more fun than committing a hate crime?
 
Hug a Hispanic Day
Everyone loves a hug, and people who hail from cultures that were colonized by Spain are no exception. So why not reach out and show some “amor” to random Hispanics by offering them a warm embrace? If they decline, be persistent. It takes time for people to overcome their fear of “the other.” If they only speak Spanish, pretend you don’t understand the Spanish word for “no,” whatever that is.
 
Note: Latinos and Hispanics are not necessarily the same. Make sure you’ve determined who you are dealing with before you start lunging or hugging.

 

Lunge at a Latino Month
Fear and humor are closely related, which is why we sometimes laugh after being frightened by a prank or scary movie. So why not spend a month scaring random Latinos by lunging at them for no reason, and then quickly letting them in on the joke. You can try this at shopping malls, restaurants, or even on the front lawns of a prominent Latino politicians. Once they realize you’re kidding, you’ll probably have made a friend for life.
 
Amuse an Asian Week

Laughter is universal. So why not spend a week reaching out to the Asian American community through comedy? Try visiting a Chinese restaurant and showing off your hilarious Jackie Chan impression. Or rent a room at an Asian cultural center and show some of your favorite comedic films like Team America, A Christmas Story, and Full Metal Jacket.
 
Massage a Muslim Monday
Hey there, my Muslim friend. You look extremely tense. Perhaps a therapeutic message from a culturally sensitive stranger is just what the doctor ordered. The crusades were a longtime ago, and the Ottoman Turks haven’t invaded Christendom in years. So why not let my big strong hands melt away centuries of fear and mistrust, Allah willing.
 
Get Jiggy for Jews Saturday
It’s no secret that the Jewish community has given us some of our greatest entertainers. From Jerry Lewis to Jerry Seinfeld, Jews have been performing their asses of for generations. It’s time the rest of us gave something back. Next Saturday, find your local synagogue and wait in the parking lot. When the service lets out, perform an interpretive dance to “If I Were a Rich Man” from Fiddler on the Roof. No music? No problem. Just scream the song at the top of your lungs as your new Jewish friends walk by. If all goes well, make it a weekly “Tradition.”
 
Blow a Black Dude Thursday
Tensions between blacks and whites have improved over the years, but things are still a long way from perfect. And I think I know the reason why. When you have an argument with your spouse or partner, how do you usually make up afterwards? Exactly. So what better way for a white person to say “can’t we all just get along” than by spending a Thursday offering oral sex to black strangers? Let the healing begin. You’re welcome, America

 


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