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May 20th, 2015
Today on WJ

5AM (1):

-         In the news this morning: Jane Fonda has a great ass and George Clooney’s wife didn’t say “yes” right away.

-         What are the chances that operation “Jade Helm” has anything to do with suppressing private citizens with guns?


5AM (2):

-         The entire premise on shows like The Bachelor is that the whore always wins.

-         It’s always the politicians that tout the sanctity of marriage that end up having affairs themselves.

 

6AM (1):

-         Some liberals are claiming that the Waco shooting was the result of Sarah Palin’s influence on American society.

-         How can someone live in Houston for 6 years and not know that W&J are on the air?

6AM (2):

-         Audio: Doug Stanhope reveals the problem with old people.

-         What exactly is required to be called a “Tweeter?”

-         A study wants to know what kind of events you would drive 5 hours for.

-         We’re supposed to start feeling bad for Joe Biden because his son is having health issues. Some say that the kid’s problems are due to the fact that Joe beat him as a child, however.

6AM (3):

-         Have you seen the new hipster trend called the ‘man bun?’ According to reports, most chicks aren’t digging the look.

-         Some say that African rhinos may soon inhabit ranches of Texas.

-         If John Wayne were still alive and acting today, there’s a good chance he’d probably be doing truck commercials.

6AM (4):

-         Who’s responsible for getting John sick in New Orleans over the weekend? Question is: should he take medical marijuana or regular marijuana for it?

-         Col. Sanders is coming back to celebrate the 75th anniversary of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

-         Audio: The actor that portrayed the voice of Col. Sanders sounded drunk during the recording process.


7AM (1)

-         Parody: In honor of Letterman’s departure, Elton John shares a few words.

-         One of the suspects in the Waco shooting was a former detective.

-         Keeping undesirable people out of restaurants can be nearly impossible sometimes.

-         Reruns of I Love Lucy ran on Sunday night. The great this is that it turned out to be the number one scripted television show that aired that night.


7AM (2):


-         It’s possible that Jim Morrison died early because he wanted too.

-         Emails – Travis wants us to know that motorcycle clubs are not ‘gangs.’ Fact is: when MCs start shooting up places, they instantly become a gang.

-         Parody: You’ve heard about the Waco biker gangs, but do you know about the Austin Handlebar Bicycle Gang?


7AM (3):


-         Parody: Mickey wants to stick a selfie stick up your ass!

-         Critics are expressing frustration with Girl Scouts after the organization declared they will now accept ‘transgender’ children.

-         Boy Scouts don’t want anything to do with guns anymore, even water guns.

 

7AM (4):

 

-         How many Twin Peaks girls got thrown around like dolls in Waco over the weekend?

-         Calls – Odom was in a good mood this morning until he heard how the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts are changing.

-         Taser Report

 

8AM (1):

-         One of the better ideas to ever come to the show is to not let everyone vote. There needs to be some kind of intelligence test in place to weed out the morons.

-         A burglar named Bob is on the loose in Connecticut. With only this to go on, detectives will have a hell of a time tracking him down.

-         This day in history: 509 years ago today Christopher Columbus died in Spain.

-         Tragedy in India

 

8AM (2):

-         A hot dog vendor in New York is charging $30 for a hot dog. Some are saying the government should go after him and regulate the price of hot dogs.

-         Mel Gibson’s career was virtually ruined by the comments he made about black people. Jamie Foxx, a known racist, is celebrated for his hatred for white people, on the other hand.

8AM (3):

-         Is George Soros funding the Boy Scouts these days? It sure seems like it with all the transgender stuff coming to the surface.

-         The best kind of pushups is the kind you do with a naked girl under you.

8AM (4):


-         Remember ladies, topless selfies are ALWAYS welcome! We have no objection to bottomless ones as well.

-         Parody: Shirley Q – Watussi goes to the DMV

-         An alien expert claims to know the size of extraterrestrial aliens, should they decide to visit earth. According to his theory, we should expect to see aliens in the 700 pound range.

-         Parody: Shirley Q claims to know the derivation of the word “mosque”

 

9AM (1):

-         Celebrity Birthdays

-         The 30th season finale of Survivor is on tonight.

-         Will you watch David Letterman’s departure tonight?

-         Joe Biden’s son has been hospitalized after suffering a mild stroke. Is Biden to blame for this for beating his son as a boy?

-         The democrats are panicking now that Hillary is sitting in her own mess.


9AM (2):

-         What would Columbus have Indians if he hadn’t have thought he was actually in India?

-         Movie idea: How cool would it be to make a movie about the Vikings invading Texas? Of course The Rock would have to star in it…


9AM (3):

-         The largest recall in the history of automobiles is currently underway. A manufacturer of airbags is recalling millions of airbags after they declared them unsafe.

-         A 5 year old was at a Waffle House recently and offered to buy a homeless man a meal after asking his mom why the man was so dirty.

-         Companies are finding more creative ways to advertise now that they know most people wiz right past commercials with the aid of their DVR.

 

9AM (4):

-         There’s a former Alabama State Senator going around removing Confederate flags from the graves of random people. He probably won’t face punishment because he’s black, however.

-         What are the best breakfast dishes in other countries and how does the US stack up against them?

-         The coolest Waffle House in America is being built right now in New Orleans.


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