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April 14th, 2015
Today on WJ

5AM (1):

-         Hillary’s new van is called “Scooby”

-         Democrats are weary to call Rand Paul ‘soft’ because being gay is the new ‘in thing’

5AM (2):

-         No one meets Dave Letterman, even after working for him for six years.

6AM (1):

-         Remember the Doctor Quest episodes? Was there a gay theme going in there?

-         How high is your vertical leap?

-         JJ Watt can supposedly jump 61 inches vertical.

6AM (2):

-         All this talk about vertical leaping makes us want to try it ourselves.

-         This day in history: Abraham Lincoln was shot and killed, as originally reported by the AP

-         Parody: What would Abraham Lincoln say about the events Ferguson?

-         A Florida man posted an ad on Craigslist offering ‘real’ counterfeit money. Naturally, the man was arrested but it wasn’t until a year and a half after the ad was posted.

6AM (3):

-         Audio: Clay Aiken is out there banging the gong for Hillary Clinton. One caller, however, was out to set him straight. No pun intended…

-         Fun Facts: According to reports, ass acne is very common.

6AM (4):

-         Parody: Morgan Freeman on cannabis

-         Emails – Have you ever dumped someone for being too trashy? Example: Having a couch on the porch.

7AM (1)

-         What does any self-respecting Georgia man do when he sees an armadillo? According to reports, a Georgia man shot an armadillo; however, the bullet ricocheted off the shell and hit his mother in law in her mobile home.

-         Remember the old party lines? If you tell a kid about a ‘party line’ these days they’d have no clue what you’re talking about.

7AM (2):

-         Audio: Can you guess what movie this is?

-         According to Hollywood liberals, scenes from the new Jurassic Park sequel are ‘sexist’

-         This day in history

-         103 years ago the Titanic sank

7AM (3):

-         Parody: Do you hear that sound? It’s CFCs in the air from deadly aerosol cans!

-         Remember the mosquito machines that used to spray DDT? Turns out that it was the most effective means of killing insects; however, the chemical has no effect on humans as previously thought.

-         Global Warming is the new DDT scare from the 70s.

7AM (4):

-         Most aren’t aware of the fact that when the Clintons left the White House, they did about $20,000 in damage.

-         Parody: Is this what the Clintons sounded like when they trashed the White House?

-         Hillary’s van trip across the nation is intended to show Americans that she’s just ‘one of us’

-         Irony alert: The majority of fans of Hillary Clinton’s Facebook page are from Baghdad.

8AM (1):

-         GUEST: Lauren Southern – She’s a Canadian, libertarian, anti-feminist and millennial.

-         Calls – Have you heard of reverse sexism in the male burlesque community?

8AM (2):

-         Parody: It’s 3AM and your children are asleep. Who do you want answering the phone? Not Hillary…

-         Bill Murray had it right when he said to teach your kids about taxes by eating their ice cream

8AM (3):

-         5 Random Facts

-         23 percent of people say that their pets are more important than their in-laws.

-         Tom Brady’s first pitch didn’t make it over the plate. The pitch was so bad that it went straight into the dirt.

-         Who would like to sponsor the show so we can host a vertical jumping contest? A burger company would probably be a good start…

8AM (4):

-         Parody: Who knew that Hillary was a supporter of female genital mutilation?

-         Audio: If Winston cigarettes are good enough for Fred Flinstone, they’re good enough for us!

-         Did you see the picture of Sarah Palin posing with a man who seemingly has a boner?

-         If you had to imagine what Sarah Palin smelled like, it would probably be like flowers and cookies.

-         Justin Bieber is in the news this morning after he forced his way into the VIP area at Coachella.

9AM (1):

-         Parody: Al Paccino on tax evasion

-         Celebrity Birthdays

-         This day in history

9AM (2):

-         Sean Penn still looks good for 54. That doesn’t stop him from being a piece of human garbage, though.

-         The Kardashians are in the news again.

-         ‘Artists’ like Kanye West and Jay-Z have no talent.

-         Has George Clooney ever had a bad day?

-         A California man is undergoing surgery after he messed up his thumb playing Candy Crush. Couldn’t we just put him to sleep during the surgery? It would be humanely done of course…

9AM (3):

-         Wouldn’t you like to throw Hillary into a boxing arena?

-         An Alaskan Airlines plane had to be grounded after the baggage claim guy fell asleep in the cargo hold.

-         A plane heading from Vegas to Houston ran off the runway yesterday after the aircraft touched down in Houston.

-         Is Putin okay with Iran having ICBMs?

9AM (4):

-         Emails – Spanky writes to us from Georgia and wants to know why the show isn’t on in Atlanta.

-         What are the top-ten turnoffs for a first date?

-         You won’t be able to resist Bruce Jenner’s new show when it airs

 


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