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January 28th, 2015
Today on WJ

5AM (1):

-         Everybody loves the “The rent is too damn high” guy in New York. The irony is that he’s soon to be evicted from his apartment.

-         When you sign your NFL contract, you agree to do as they say and when they say it.

5AM (2):

-         Hillary Clinton has agreed to testify at the Benghazi hearing. Of course, this doesn’t mean she’ll tell the truth.

-         What happened to the days when we used to execute deserters like Beau Bergdahl?

-         Hackers claim that they have nude photos of Taylor Swift. Swift, however, denies the fact that she has any such photos.

-         You haven’t lived until you’ve had a woman with one leg.

6AM (1):

-         Michelle Obama refused to put on the obligatory ‘girl sack’ when visiting Saudi Arabia. Saudi TV proceeded to censor her face.  

-         Maybe Michelle didn’t put a covering over her face because she’s actually a man. Joan Rivers knew this, which is probably why she was killed.

-         The drone that threatened the White House was just a cheap model that you can probably pick up at a Sharper Image.

-         Border police are probably under strict orders to let immigrant-carrying trucks across the border strictly because it ensures more Democratic votes in the future.

6AM (2):

-         A new study has revealed that government approval is the lowest it has ever been in the history of America.

-         Let’s face it: Illegal immigrants aren’t coming to the US to become an American. Barack would lead you to think otherwise, though.

-         Rick Perry gave his sign off speech last week, which touted the green efforts that he helped to promote in Texas. Of course, with the glasses it sure seemed legitimate.

6AM (3):

-         Can we find a way to punish meteorologists for their proclivity to consistently oversell storms?

6AM (4):

-         The government is counting on our stupidity to get what they want. So far they’re being successful.

-         Parody: What actually happened on the phone between Putin and Gore?

-         Apple has reported the largest profit the company has ever seen.

7AM (1)

-         Back in the day there was just ONE Mississippi queen.

-         Did you know that there’s a place in Texas that practices Sharia Law?

-         Parody: Sharia court – Texas style!

-         Fun Fact: The Pecos River is the only river that crosses itself. The reason, however, is because of manmade factors.

7AM (2):

-         A story about a zombie cat can only come out of Florida. The cat of one Florida man was hit by a car and declared dead by a veterinarian. 5 days after he was buried, Bart the cat woke up and clawed his way out of the ground.

-         Barack wants to end the college savings plan because it allows rich white people to send their kids to good schools.

7AM (3):

-         What’s the one ingredient that’s not in Cheese Wiz? Cheese, of course!

-         Police in Florida are looking for a man that stole $4000 worth of ribs and fries. We can only assume that the food is for a Super Bowl party.

-         Politicians and cops won’t tell you that approximately 80 percent of crime is actually successful.

7AM (4):

-         Is the Miss Universe pageant vehemently opposed to girls with short hair? Some might say so…

-         This day in history: The first telephone switchboard went online today in history

-         37 years ago today Fantasy Island graced our TV screens

8AM (1):

-         There are all kinds of anti-Semitism displays going on across the world, including in the US.

-         Today is the anniversary of the Challenger explosion.

8AM (2):

-         Many wonder why Bill Murray turns down so many roles, including a new Ghost Busters film. Murray’s response: “Because I’m rich”

-         Can Bradley Cooper pull off the role of Indiana Jones?

-         Don’t you wish you would’ve listened to your parents more when you were a kid?

8AM (3):

-         Scientists claim to have found the oldest star in our Universe.

-         Cars today are so complicated with their electronics and computers that almost no average consumer can perform even the most basic of work on it. Additionally, the amount of plastic and shrouding around the engine compartment increases labor costs due to the time it takes to remove all that crap.

8AM (4):

-         This day in history: On this day in 1547, Henry the VIII died and left his empire to his son.

-         5 Random Facts

9AM (1):

-         Celebrity Birthdays

-         A Key West man decided a balcony was the best place to pee. After a waitress discovered his urine wasn’t actually rain, the cops were called and he was promptly arrested.  

-         Apple has reported the highest earnings in the history of the company.

9AM (2):

-         Parody: Sharia law – Texas style!

9AM (3):

-         Strong Face was censored when she appeared on Saudi TV because she refused to cover her face. This begs the question: Should we always censor Michelle Obama’s face when she appears on TV?

-         A new study has concluded that people that walk faster or slower than other people are perceived as smarter.

9AM (4):

-         Sometimes you just don’t know when the right time for a boner is. Pop a Cialis and it may nudge you in the right direction.

-         A study indicates that women would rather date an intelligent man than one that’s just good at sports.

-         The total cost of Obamcare is estimated to run about $2 trillion, much more than the original projections. Naturally, this burden will be conveyed on to the tax payers.



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