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April 28th, 2010
Dear Obama,

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's or the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election has made me realize that I want a divorce....

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure  our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep those Marxist tools. You are welcome to the left wing legislating judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.  We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and bio fuels.  You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell and the View (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move the lot of them).

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare collectors, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and the 30 million illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you ABC,NBC, CBS and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and subdue places that threaten to destroy us. You can have the peaceniks war protesters and anarchist.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but you have to pay that bill because we are out.

We'll keep the SUV's,  4x4 pickup trucks and big cofortable luxury cars. You can take every Prius and hybrid you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors willing work for that pay. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a personal responsibility and not a right.  We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem and God Bless America. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. 

In the spirit of friendly parting we will be willing to talk about you reuniting after you realize how much we were enabling your Utopian mess.

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S.  And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call begging us to take you back. 


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