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July 13th, 2012
How to Bone a Fat Chick and Get Away With It:


Every man faces a point in his life (or many points in his life) when he's tempted to bone a fat chick. Maybe he's not particularly good looking, maybe he has a shitty personality, or maybe he has webbed feet with algae growing all over them - there are a million reasons men can't land skinny or even mildly "curvaceous" women. Additionally, when men struggle through "sex slumps," they're often willing to bone anyone. Fat chicks, of course, fall into this elite grouping. 

1. Put On Your Goggles 

If you're going to bone a fat chick, you need to stop believing that you have standards and just put on your "goggles." Once these goggles are on, you will gain access to a sea of possibilities that most men would never consider, much less capitalize on. You know who I'm talking about  - those humongous girls gorging on chili dogs and reading Harry Potter by the corner of the bar, those chicks with tummies that extend further in their tube tops than their titties, and of course, those insanely fat, depressed-looking broads with the words "If you talk to me, I’ll probably sleep with you" written on their foreheads.  

Look, nobody likes being in a situation where they're trying to bone a fat chick. But if you've already realized you're at McDonald's, so to speak, don't waste your time looking at the salads - just order a fucking Big Mac and be done with it.  

2. Don’t Get Suffocated 

After you've brought home your Big Mac, you need to be tremendously careful about not getting suffocated - physically and emotionally. On the physical front, you need to understand that fat chicks can only control between 80 % - 45% of their bodily motions. Basically, every time a fat chick moves, the fat on her body reacts in any number of directions, much like a reverberation running through a block of Jello. And what's worse, it takes fat chicks a considerable amount of time to figure out where their fat has actually ended up. Ever wonder why fat chicks always bump into you while walking down the aisle of airplanes, but never say "excuse me?" It's not because they're necessarily inconsiderate - they just aren't capable of keeping track of where their fat is located.   

Considering this lack of control, you need to establish a system of signals in case your Big Mac puts you in any physical jeopardy. For example, if she is sitting on your arm and it's starting to fall asleep, you can pinch her once to indicate mild distress - a yellow warning. Alternatively, if she's smothering your head and cutting off all oxygen (while attempting to 69, perhaps), you can pinch three times in quick succession - a red warning for immediate attention. Such signals might seem trivial at first, but trust me - they can save lives. 

On the emotional front, it's likely that your fat chick is going to suffocate you, as well. After all, it's always a joy for a fat chick to sleep with an outsider of the fat community - novelty value aside, it provides her with a tremendous sense of validation, such that she says to herself the following morning, while pouring maple syrup on top of a huge stack of waffles, "Hey, maybe being fat isn't so terrible after all..." Your fat chick will likely try to connect with you, ask you questions like "So you really think I'm pretty?," and worst of all, try to set up another time where you guys can "you know, hang or something." Although there are different schools of thought on whether you should lie to her in these situations, the important thing to remember is that what you say to her doesn't really matter - she's knows that she's fat, and she's already grateful for you coming over and boning her. In other words, don't get stressed by her attempts at conversation. Simply finish the burger and get the fuck out of McDonald's.

3. Dealing With The Guilt 

When a man bones a fat chick, it's very easy for him to be bothered by guilt. Not only has he betrayed his own supposed "standards," but if his friends found out that he titty-effed a girl's stomach rolls, he knows they'd be extremely disappointed in him. Additionally, some men have trouble living with the lies they may have told their fat chick during the night of passion (ie, "Yes, you're pretty," "I'll call you," or the tried and true, "No, I'm not drunk.") 

However, although these temptations all seem to be valid, men must place their experience with their fat chick in perspective - it was not so much an exchange between two thinking and feeling human beings as much as a man's attempt to get over a particularly horny period in his life. Thus, so long as the man doesn't go back for seconds (and therein validate both her and the experience), then there's absolutely no reason to fret. If, however, the man does go back for seconds (or more), then his guilt will be appropriate. What's more - he'll be no better than the fat chick he boned.  




eymxiswn - 2012-08-02
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by eymxiswn

hzrdqwawjuq - 2012-08-01
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by hzrdqwawjuq

Ochol - 2012-07-30
Simply Modern Weddings - I am so glad that I ran across your inmiofatron from the Wedding Chicks. You have really great work, and I have now added you to my blog stalk list. I am also super excited that I just learned how to turn my logo into a Photoshop brush from reading your informative blog!
by Ochol

- 2012-07-13
Wow you must be really bored!

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